Good morning!
It is finals week time, and I am about to walk into my circuits final. I am scared because I failed last quarter, but it is time to get my get-back.
I am more scared for my digital circuits final tomorrow. Week 8 was my worst week of the quarter, and it has caught up to me. I scored a 30/100. Midterms are worth 15% each, and I scored a 60/100 on my first one. My labs and homework grades are perfect, but my midterm grades are what is going to cost me. I am at a 71% right now, I need a 68.3/100 to just pass, but that is before the curve. I am confident, I will complete this impossible task.
Data science final obliterated me, but I passed the course. I am trying my best to mitigate my test and performance anxiety, but I am having a hard time trying to shut the negative voice in my mind that tells me I can not answer these problems. It has gotten to a point where I have been consumed and tied my self-worth on results, and stopped enjoying the process. I have noticed it when I am studying too. If I work out a problem I believe I got right and see I got it completely wrong, I get so demoralized and discouraged. My mind, body, and spirit shuts down, and I can not operate as much as my heart wants to push through.
Living with so much anxiety makes my life so difficult, and I want to work on controlling it this year. I am not my anxiety and neither is anyone. It is very hard for me because everyone keeps telling me to learn to let go, but that does not happen in an instant, it happens naturally. I just finished the book, Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts by Sally M. Winston and Martin N. Seif, per my counselor's recommendation, and you should give it a read too. I gained so much insight into why I think the way I do and why my method has not been working, but I need to start applying these lessons. Even though I am embarrassed as a male to seek out counseling, it was probably one of the best decisions I made. If my mind is not right, how can I expect and put so much pressure on myself to making sure everything else is right. Recovery starts within. It's a long road, but it is a path I must walk if I want to become the best version of myself. I am done letting fear and anxiety control my life.
This week's log is pretty short because there was not much done in Week 10. Week 10 was actually more helpful than Week 10 of Fall. I really appreciated the two review lectures for data science and the 1 hour 20 minute review lecture for digital circuits. What I did not appreciate was the quiz for circuits on Monday and the final project for data science, but the final project will probably carry my grade. 7.25/12 on that circuits quiz, I made a funny error, which I laughed about with my TA when I was reviewing the quiz, but got marked down so harshly on a question I got right. In theory, I should have got a 9/12, but the quizzes do not matter that much for the course. I am still in passing position, which I could not say last quarter, so I am very proud about that.
Golf lessons officially wrapped up. I lost the putting competition for the green jacket, which I am pretty disappointed about, but I am so happy in the progress I made. However, the golf progress will probably go down the drain when I am abroad since I am not bringing my clubs, such a shame. I wished I discovered golf earlier, it is the ultimate low cortisol activity. Just being out there, seeing the greens, overlooking the ocean, and seeing how fast the ball travels in the sky, you just feel good you know. I am going to miss Torrey Pines Driving Range.
Whelp that's all I have for the log for Week 10. I will put out the year 1 reflection next week. I am still working on the video, but that will probably go live in two weeks. Thank you to everyone who has been reading, sending me messages of encouragement, and giving me hope. I hope I can repay my debt back to you all and reading these logs each week made you smile. My mission and philosophy is to do right by the people who do right by me, but in order to do that, I have to right by myself because if I am not right it is serving no one. I hope everyone enjoys their Spring Break, stays healthy, takes care of themselves, and smiles!
See you all!