Good morning!
Officially in Week 9 now, just two more weeks left in La Jolla for a while, then 3 weeks til I am at the airport gate boarding to Tokyo. Looking forward to that, but I need to ground myself in the present moment first.
Circuits quiz on Monday did not go as well as I planned for. It was not even test anxiety during the quiz, I just blanked, did not know what to do, and ran out of time when I finally got the idea of what to do. My professor posted the solutions to the quiz like an hour later, and while there were some gaps in my understanding, my logic for the most part was right, but I just could not execute in time like Team Canada. That Olympic loss carried my mood throughout the entire week, I should move on, but it still stings. Oddly enough, even though I did not do as good as I hoped for on my circuits quiz, I am not too mad about it. Sure it sucks to go from 11/12 to a lower score in a course I am taking for a second time, but I did everything I could to study and prepare for it, and did not go for me, so I will learn from it.
That mentality carried me throughout the week. I have accepted that I am not an expert yet, there is a lot I do not know, but my priority as a student is to learn. Sure when you look at a solutions manual next to you, all the answers check out, and everything makes sense, but when you do not, it is a different story. I am incredibly grateful for this frustrating first-year experience because it has been humbling, taught me to surrender my ego, unlearn everything I knew, and endure. Whether I like it or not suffering is bound to come, it's unforgiving, but meaningful.
Falling back to Romans 8:18
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
I think that is a reason why I chose engineering as my major. Being the smartest and most brilliant in the room is great in engineering, but not a requirement. A requirement in engineering is the ability to endure, adapt, and not falter when things go south. In layman's terms, engineering is about not quitting. As hard as this major gets, I will not quit or change my major (I can not even do that as a transfer student) because I will forever live with the "quitting when things get hard" mindset, which is someone I do not wish to live as.
In Can't Hurt Me, even though David Goggins became a Tactical Air Control Party (TACP) specialist after his removal from Pararescue training for "Sickle Cell Trait", he could not be proud and let his life spiral because the real reason he was removed from Pararescue training was due to his fear of the water. I do not want to end up like that, and I am not letting my fear of failure and not being perfect, stop me from becoming an engineer. The real engineers are the ones who do not quit. Shout this guy:
I need to get comfortable trusting the process, and letting the results take care of itself. It takes though, nothing changes overnight or even a quarter for me. I need to understand that who I will become is much more important than who I am now. Everything I say in these logs is like a broken record, playing the same tune. I want to change that, I know how, but I am not doing how.
Romans 7:15-20
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
Thursday was the hardest day of this school year so far. I cried 3 times. As much as I hate crying and hold back tears, but they just flow. I failed my midterm again. In my heart I know I did my best to study and prepare for it, but my mind says otherwise. I studied up to the wire waking up at 5:30 AM for a 9:30 AM exam despite being woken up at 3 AM for reasons I can not share, and took the exam. It was not even silly errors this time, the concepts did not internalize within me. I tried the anxiety controlling techniques like deep breathing and grounding, but I could not beat the pressure. I was not even shooting for an "A" this time because I knew the concepts were more complex; I just wanted to do better than the last time (60/100), and I did not. When I handed in my exam, I told the TA, "Do not waste your time." Even on my exam I wrote: "I am very sorry for this performance. I have terrible test anxiety, and I am getting help from CAPS. I know this is an invalid excuse, but I will be better." I do not want to and hate normalizing failure, but that has become the norm now. It's insanity. I am exhausted of doing the best I can, showing up, then getting knocked down.
I just do not want to be in this position I am in right now. My mother keeps telling me to stop putting so much pressure on myself, I will eventually figure it out, and when I do, I will be successful. As much as I appreciate those words she and my heart says, they are easier said than done. I cannot explain why I put so much pressure on myself, I am ambitious, and it just happens. It's like I am Fantastic Mr. Fox in this clip:
Contradicting my own words, I do not want to wait for the "eventually" I will be better, I just want to be better. The more I keep telling myself that, the more I am lying to myself about my current situation. Last quarter haunts me and I think I am doing the best I can to get that monkey off my back, but it is clearly not. I work and study hard, made better habits for myself like exercising more often, reading, and sleeping at midnight by the latest and waking up around 7:30. I rarely doom scroll, attend every lecture, go to office hours when needed, stay on top of my work, and then I lose. This cycle is infuriating and I am livid. It came to a point where I became so sick of myself I started going to CAPS. Most of you reading probably think I am being dramatic, and I am. As a man it is my responsibility to take care of my physical and mental health. All my problems are self-imposed, and even going to CAPS, I realized that nobody is coming to save me from me, but myself. The irony of being miserable in paradise. How lucky am I to live and study at UCSD in La Jolla, California while living in a nightmare of my own thoughts. Like I said in an earlier log, I find more reasons to give up each day, but I cannot. There is always that one reason to see it out, and I am searching for that. It is tough though, I am at a point where I will not jump in front of a car, but would not care if I get hit by a car because it is just another thing to get up from. That's resilience. I know this tough year will come to pass, and I will be better, but I do not want to wait for "will" and "when", and that is my tragedy.
Data science quiz went poorly for me and everyone. The mean and median was 1 over passing. There was one big question I wish had back, super easy, but I brain farted. Silly error again. It keeps happening, and I can not keep making the "I am human" excuse anymore. I want to think "what if I do good," but I am always overshadowed by the "what if I did bad" part. How can I learn to trust myself? It is like the more I want and care about doing good on an exam, grades, or goals for that matter, I get in my own way, and make it harder for myself. The good and the best version of me is beat down by my own thoughts and perception of myself. I have been super fixated on the law of attraction, getting after my goals, it turned to obsession with the outcome rather than the process. The outcomes and results defined me, and I could not detach from them. I need to practice the law of detachment and let myself go kind of like Alyssa Liu. She was not nervous, put little to no pressure at all on herself, had fun, and took home Olympic gold. That is the level of flow state or "fun-maxing" I aspire to attain. Too many people have praised her already, and you all do not want to hear my take on figure skating, but shout out her for not switching up on the Bay, practicing at the dilapidated Oakland Ice Center, and performing tricks on that concrete slab in the ice. That just goes to show you that there is no excuse. I apologize to my ex Oakland Bears boys, but I do not like your rink, I am sorry. Funny story though, one of my teammates at UCSD gave Liu a hard time for not wearing a sticker while doing a public, and he did not know it was her at the time 😂. Maybe I need to pick up some more skate guard shifts, eh!
Moving on, I went camping. I was not going to go originally, but after how the week went, I needed an escape from campus. Even though, I could not separate my mind from the implications of my scores, the consequences of what is coming for me, and how I am going to push through, I had a lot of fun. Anza-Borrego State Park is a pretty neat location. The dessert nights are cold, but come 8 AM, you are drenched in sweat. I had to take the tarp off for the hike because I only brought one shirt, and I was not trying to wear a sweaty shirt on the van ride back. One of teammates told me to shave off a couple pounds, and I was thankful to hear that coming from someone else. I work out 5-6 times a week, eat cleanly, and I am dropping weight, but since I am constantly stressed, my cortisol is constantly high, and just stores the weight in my midsection. That sounds like the ultimate excuse for being fat, but it is actually backed by science and data whether you believe it or not. I am getting sidetracked, but as fun was camping in the dessert, I would not want to live there. Huge shout out to my Zona boys, I have no clue how you do it. To top off the camping trip, everyone decided it was a great idea to eat all-you-can-eat sushi, and that was one of the worst food-related experiences I have ever had. It was not that the sushi was bad, but my teammates were so embarrassingly ambitious into how much sushi they can eat, and ordered way too much. I was not intending on eating sushi, let alone over 40 rolls, until I got to Japan, but the restaurant had a left-over penalty, and I was not letting my teammates' boneheaded decision put a dent in my bank account. Eating all that sushi was a war, and I had to channel my inner Joey Chestnut to keep eating. My stomach was feeling it after, I felt so sick, but thankfully I did not throw up. This was not helping the "lose weight" allegations either, so I decided I will run to Mission Beach, the next day to burn off all the carbs.
Running to Mission Beach from my dorm was quite an experience and the most scenic and picturesque 11.2 miles of my life. Something about the California Pacific Coast that draws and calms me. It's funny because I love running, but I hate getting ready and starting a run, but I am so glad I decided to do it yesterday. That was my best accomplishment and the one I was most proud of this week. That 8:09 pace surprised me because I thought I was much slower, it is giving me confidence that I can already run a full marathon. Maybe I do one this year, but I do not want to fall into that classic washed athlete stereotype. I already play golf. Golf is so fun, I wish I discovered it sooner. I will miss my instructor when I am in Kyoto, he has done wonders for my swing and everything. When I hit my driver for 220, and he said, "Wow kid that thing is a beauty!" I almost cried a bit. It is only up from here with my golf game, and life will be peaches and cream soon.
That's going to wrap the log for Week 8. Just a little more to go, I can not quit now, despite how hard it is. In order to have order in life is to have disorder. The law of entropy. How lucky am I to struggle?
See you next week!