Good morning!
I hope everyone is doing well and feeling good about themselves! As I stated in last week's log, I tried to practice positivity and self-compassion this week, but midterm week says otherwise. I only had one, so I felt pretty good heading into the week, but that was probably the first mistake I made π«ͺ. Anxiety was at an all-time high this week, but I made it through, so I should take pride in that.
Before I get into all the negatives of this week, I should probably start on the positives because that's probably the healthiest way to approach this log π.
For starters, I'd say I did my best taking care of myself. I slept pretty good (a little too good, read on, and you will find out π€£), ate well, and exercised well this week. Health goals wise, I am definitely not where I want to be, but I am making small progress. Small wins are still wins, eh! π (This is me trying to cheer myself up after a brutal midterm π). Here's a typical breaky!
That's about 100 grams of protein right there π and I do not even include any protein powder in the shake, it's just Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, dazzle of egg whites, frozen fruit, and some granola. Now that I listed it out, it's definitely a lot and way too many calories for just breakfast π . I should probably cut back a little because my ideal intake is between 130-140, and Instacart groceries are pricey, but it's way better than the UCSD market prices. eh π€·ββοΈ.
I guess the calories do not really mean much if I burn them out by being active, and I did do that this week. On 10/18/2026, Week 6 NFL Sunday was so buns, I decided to go for a spontaneous 10-mile run to Mission Beach!
I can not believe I woke up early to watch the 10 AM slot. My fantasy team got the belt last week too. I am 3-3 right now, which is not where I need to be if I want to win my league. As a commissioner of my league, I will do anything to ensure I keep the $420. I might even have to veto a couple trades, I cannot lie. That's a negative, so let me transition to another positive.
Getting ice cream!
With 8:07 pace for 10 miles, I'd say I deserve that little sweet treat. I want to sign up for a marathon, but those can run you up some dough, and I am not trying to embarrass myself with a terrible time performance. Anything sub 4-hours is a success to me, but it also depends on the elevation too because I did a half-marathon at the Land's End trail in San Francisco, and that was brutal; 2 hours and 14 minutes (that's a stretch too because I did take breaks; the uphill is killer).
After the 10-miler, I took a little side-quest to Coronado, and got these shots of the San Diego Skyline. I felt so confused being there because I was just in LA about a day ago, and then I was thinking about all the other places I have been too in the span of 3 months. The past 3 months or more accurately this year has been a whole trip. I was going from city to city, country to country, and now I am going from lecture to lecture, lab to lab, stress to anxiety, etc. You get the point!
I am talking about BUD/S here. I like to imagine myself trying to tell a student in that program what my bad day or week looks like. It just put things and my suffering into a better perspective.
Fortunately, I have yet to be or get it into that situation, so let's get on with the negatives, eh!
Monday's are universally the worst, but this one was especially bad. My Introduction to Engineering course switch to an "Introduction to Working" course and thought it was fitting to give impossible deadlines for assignments. I just want to know their thought process because no way someone actually thought "23 assignments by Week 4 is reasonable, right?" and "3 labs due on midterm week is pretty fair, right?" No point in complaining because the work is done, but I will complain on the course's slow grading process. If you are going to assign a lot of work, they better back it up with fast grading. They have over 10+ TA's so there is virtually no reason why I only have one graded assignment.
Tuesday was not any better. Aside from being 64K in the queue for Calvin Harris pre-sale, my last lecture before a 25% midterm was utterly useless, but then again when are lectures ever even useful? Most of the time, I come out of them more confused than I did going into them, and I (and Claude) am usually teaching myself the material back in my dorm. Luckily there's office hours, but although the TAs may have possibly got good grades in the course, they are not good tutors or teachers and the majority of them are just doing the gig to potentially get research with the actual professor. TA office hours, and even the professor's was useless too. There's a reason why the fail rate is 30%, and you can not even put it entirely on the students.
I have no capacity or grace to fail another course because I am only allowed 5 more quarters to graduate, and this course is the gateway to taking any upper-division courses for my intended depth. Best believe I am doing anything and almost everything to pass this course. As I was studying, I keep replaying and repeating the *Interstellar* clip docking scene in my head:
***
TARS: It's not possible.
***
***
Cooper: No it's necessary.
***
This scene is too good and *McConaughey's* performance is just unparalleled. Unfortunately, I am not as smart or dialed-in as Cooper under tension, and before I get test-anxiety, I get hit with the classic study anxiety. Another mistake I made was thinking I could understand and internalize the material within 3 days, but considering the plethora of work I had to get through before studying, I did my best.
If I were to describe how my Wednesday went, I think the feeling of blocking a shot in your groin or more universally getting your shins hit with a scooter. For starters, I woke up 30 minutes late to my 8 AM ECE 5 attendance required lab, and this lab session was our "midterm" lab. Registering for an 8 AM lab knowing hockey practices run late the night before is definitely on me, so I will take accountability towards that. What I will not take accountability towards is being late considered an absence. Regardless of tardiness or not, I think attendance should be based of completion of the work. How am I awarded no points by showing up late and getting my lab done, but I get points if I show up on time, even if I do not finish the lab. It is very contradictory towards me, but after living in Japan for 5 months, and hopefully entering the workforce some day, I understand the importance of being punctual. At the end of day, just because I am human and overslept, I cannot take out my frustrations on the Lab Assistants and Instructors, I agreed to the syllabus and its policies, and that is something I cannot argue against. This sounds so petty, and I would not be complaining as much if I had a good practice the night before, but I did, so here we are.
My original intention was to cut practice on Tuesday night because of my upcoming midterm and I wanted to be well-rested for my 8 AM "midterm" lab, but it was media-day. You cannot miss media-day if you're on the team and I had to reestablish my commitment to the team. I already faded the UCLA game, a few practices, and I do not want to be stuck on the third-line forever. Hockey is supposed to be my escape, where I unwind from everything, and have fun, but it sure has not been feeling like that as of lately. I am having more fun off-ice with the team than I do on-ice because that's the only time I ever get to socialize. I am working my hardest and doing my best in practice to make my teammates and I better, but obviously it's not enough. Being a student comes first, and my major does not allow me to have the capacity to be on the ice more than 2x a week. If playing hockey anymore is not serving me well anymore, the obvious decision is to quit, but when I quit back in 2023, I never hated and wanted to kill myself more in my life (I wonder how that sounds with the text-to-speech π). That's probably one of the wildest things, I wrote in these logs, but it's true. I think the fact that I am even having this dilemma is just concrete proof that I care and love this sport so much. I would not be playing for 15 years if I did not love it, eh π .
Thursday, I just made it out. I cannot lie I felt pretty good on midterm day. Slept 8 hours the night before, got a good breakfast in, felt alright with the previous midterms, went to office hours, asked some questions, got solid answers, etc. Things were definitely looking up until I actually got the exam. That exam was way longer than any of the previous ones posted on the CANVAS. I will say it was a fair exam covering all the material that was stated beforehand, but some of those questions were cooked. There were some low-hanging fruit questions I like to believe I did get, but for the other ones, I was straight up serving the Justin Herbert BÑnh mì specials. I put my all out there, I did the best I could, and that's all I can really ask for myself. Hopefully and I am pretty sure there will be a curve because the majority of students worked until the very end. I am unsure if it's because the exam was long or we just all collectively not understand the questions. I did not even have time for the post exam discussion and autopsy because I had to go back to finishing up an engineering lab assignment for Friday's lab. Fortunately that did not take too long, but it was still another thing that I had to get through and do. Responsibilities, eh? I was so drained on Thursday that I cut practice, without explanation. I wanted to rest and unwind, but even then I stayed up late second-guessing myself. The midterm was hard, and I say I did my best, but I said the same last year, then failed. It's out of my control now, so out of sight, out of mind, right?
No Robert Smith, Friday, I was not in love. I had a pop quiz that I should have aced, but I blanked on such a free "identify the circuit component" question. Lowest quiz score gets dropped, so I should not be that mad, but I was literally working with the component the day before, and I just had to beat myself up over that for that. Just a classic come on man, you feel me? Fortunately the self-pity did not last long because I had game to look forward to. Even though it was a 9:35 PM start in Orange County, I was so amped and excited to play because I could not play in the UCLA game last weekend and after such a brutal week, I just wanted to take out all my frustrations on the ice.
However, the game did not start at 9:35 PM, it started at 10:30 PM. We had to wait for a new set of zebras (referees) because our original set went to the other rink since this game was rescheduled to a different rink in Orange County. That definitely killed the momentum going into the game, but out of our control and just with how my week was going, I can not say I did not expect that happening. So much for practicing self-compassion, eh π . We got pumped too. It was not that bad of a belt, but bad enough to where I forgot the score. Very chippy game all around, and it just did not go our way. I did not have my strongest game, definitely had a couple shifts I want back, but I was not disappointed in my performance. What I was disappointed in my performance came at the final minute, where instead of letting the clock run out, I wanted to go for a score, and when I got the puck in the final 10 seconds of the game, I was met with a nice elbow right to the jaw. My jaw is not broken, but it ain't a 100% either, and my cage gave me a little cut on the chin too. It was nothing serious and not that bad to put me on the injured reserve, so I was good to play the next game.
Yesterday was definitely my breaking point. For starters, I did not get that much sleep due to coming back from Orange County at like 2 AM (Still way better than the Kyoto University Ice Hockey times π). I had to wake up relatively early to do some work before I had to head out to the TritonNeuroTech Beach Social. I really did not want to go, but attendance was mandatory and being a Project Lead, what example do I set for my teammates and the team if the Lead does not show up on the first day. There's really no evaluation I can give on the team now because it was a social event, but I like everyone on it and I think it is a very promising group! The only assessment I can give is that all my team members are way smarter than me, and I have no clue if my 2.32 UC GPA can lead the team into completing the project π€£. The last time I lead was 2022-23 for the Santa Clara Blackhawks 16UAA, and we did not even make it to CAHA State Playoffs, let alone win a tournament. That was such a fun time, but I am still losing sleep over thinking what that team could have been 4 years later.
Immediately after the social, I went straight to the game, and wouldn't you guessed it, I sustained another head injury this year. Thankfully it's not a conc (concussion), but I still have to go through the conc testing and return-to-play protocol. Granted that I already messed up my jaw the night before, and knowing it's going to be a chippy game again, I should have sat out, but I love playing too much, and the pride within in me will not sit still with myself knowing I held out playing for such a soft reason like that. I do not play scared, and being a smaller player taking brutal hits and getting injured is the price I have to pay. I got slammed into the boards, my helmet came loose, and the cage slammed right into my face as my head hit the ice first. Clean hit and that's just hockey for you!
Although I am thankful it was not a conc, part of me wishes it was a conc, so I could just have one more reason to feel worse about this week. There's no way I can complete the return-to-play protocol this upcoming week, so I cannot play the USC game. Most likely I will be cleared for the Berkeley series up in the Bay, which will also serve as my farewell tour. After a season and a month, I am officially calling it a "career" in the big ACHA and competitive hockey.
This is definitely not how I envisioned walking away from this sport, but I think this was the inevitable, and the smartest decision I can make. This is sort of an Andrew Luck and Luke Kuechly (can not believe I just compared myself to them π) scenario where I have to be real and honest with myself that I do not have the physical and mental commitment in continuing to play. Even though this is club hockey, I am way too much of a competitor to not give my all into trying to win every game, and you cannot cheat hockey. Before a hockey player, I am a student, and before a student, I am a human that deserves to live a long healthy life. It is very foolish and immature of me to put myself in situations where I am more at risk for further head injuries because of my desire to continue playing a simple game. To love is to let go, and as miserable as quitting the first time was, I have to learn to live with it and love myself without the game.
I used to think I gave this game everything, but I had nothing to show for it; no championships, no medals, or honors. It never occurred to me that what I had to show for this game was myself. To give some context and lighten the mood a little, my realization is like this Jameis Winston clip:
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It's a bit different and no one really understands whats going through Uncle Jameis's head, but hopefully you get the point. I am who I am because of this sport, and I will forever be in debt to the community and village it gave me. Thank you hockey!
I guess the big Beer league is calling my phone now, but I do not even have time to rip it in La Jolla. Most likely I cannot rip beer league until after I graduate in Summer 2028, and I do not even know if I will graduate by then π. More likely than not, I will end up playing a game in the near future though, so I am not too worried about that.
I am writing this at like 5 AM, so I should probably go to sleep, but my mind is restless, and I think it is important for me to feel everything I am feeling right now, and lay it all raw and authentic. Right now I really do not and am unable to process how I am feeling, but what I do know is what I am questioning. It's only late night where everything fades out, and you are like this:
This is the classic after every engineering midterm, and this is the life of an Electrical Engineering student. I complain as much as I want, but I chose this as my major, and I must stick with it. No one ever said it was going to be easy, which is why this major and field is so respected by others. I find myself at a cross-roads though, asking myself this question: **Is it better to be respected or loved?**
Respect is definitely part of the reason why I chose this major, but not entirely. I chose this Electrical Engineering because I thought it was the "safe" option as it's a versatile degree that can tap into many or any fields even outside engineering. Essentially I am Jim Carrey's father in this clip:
I learned last year that you can give it your all, play it safe, and still lose. In a way, I'd like to counter argue Carrey's point about "taking a chance on what you love" because with his father's safe choice, it was out of fear and love too. Referencing the Kyoto reflection here:
I was not pressured into choosing engineering as my major, and I have not spent enough time to truly say that I do not love it, but I never really explored what other areas or majors I would have loved to study. Design and Interaction definitely would have been a fun major, but I was very judgmental in generalizing that you have to have an "engineering" degree to become a Design Engineer. It definitely would have been a lot easier, but as a transfer I am locked in, and my philosophy is you do not start things you do not finish, so however bad this gets, I have to see it out. If I have to take a few more years to finish, then so be it. Maybe if TSS works, I could declare a double major in Design & Interaction, so I could walk out with two degrees and not have my mom waste my tuition on me for one degree.
That will be so tough, and I would probably hate myself more than I do now, but I think it would be something I would truly be proud of. That "what if I could do it" thought just gives me goosebumps just thinking about it, but then again I am overly ambitious, and bite off more than I can chew. Then again, what good is two degrees? Is it more of pride thing, to justify my extra years as a transfer, or to help me get a job in this cooked job market?
Even if I do get a job, would I be happy or complete then? What's next after that? Getting married? I am going to sound like a mega incel here, but I do somewhat see Tyler Durden's point in this clip:
Just any woman might not be the answer, but I think having a Savannah James type as your wife could very well be the answer. With how absolutely abysmal this week was I felt so honored and grateful to watch the King & Queen's Castle Tour:
**βThe strength of a kingdom comes from its King, the strength of a King comes from his Queenβ**
Savannah James the reason why LeBron Raymone James is able to be so great and come back from 3-1 in the Finals and a 29-point deficit (This Sixers team means something to me π₯²). I think to myself if Bron can do it, I can do it. That's greatness, right there, but then again where's my queen π.
Aside from the jokes, if it was not obvious already, I am struggling or more so feel like I am drowning. I reached back out to my CAPS shrink because as the King said:
It's been a few days and I heard crickets so far, but the world does not revolve around me, and there are probably other students that have it way worse than me and truthfully speaking not as strong as me.
Everything is just getting way too overwhelming right now, which is why I could not put out a video this week or actively post on the @tlee.raw Instagram. I have been feeling worse every single day, I am questioning myself with a lot of self-doubt, and Greg Plitt's videos are not getting it done for me like they used too.
Some heavy stuff here, but I would be lying if I did not say I had suicidal thoughts and ideations this week. Waking up, going through the same routine, motions, showing up, and not seeing the results or indicator that you're getting better is exhausting, but it's temporary, the latter is permanent. It's so easy to give up, but you have to find the silver lining in all of this, and recognize your suffering is meaningful.
Having a close relationship with my family definitely helps, but more oftentimes than not I do feel lonely and burdening them with my problems. Being 20 years-old now and even though I still do, as Hayley Williams said:
*"Don't go cryin' to your mama
'Cause you're on your own in the real world"*
It's pretty crazy how dark that song is, but people hear music, they do not listen to it. There's a real difference.
7:00 AM now the sun's rising, I really pulled an all-nighter typing this out, but I am happy I did. Holding all this in is not healthy, and when you *Zach Bryan's Burn, Burn, Burn* bumping, I feel truly seen and heard. Itβs crazy how four minutes of acoustic guitar can call you out so cleanly. Whole song is a banger, but these lines:
"To know me is to love me and to hate me is to wrong me
I prefer my nights so lonely
...
I'm a simple man, I don't need much
Just my simple songs and some human touch
I'm tired now so I'm bringin' my ass home"
It hits where it hurts because I thought if I performed well enough, if I was impressive enough, people would care. But all it did was turn me into a machine. People look at the resume, and they see an institution, not a guy whoβs just lonely and trying the best he can to be human. I have 1500 followers on my main, but I don't even feel connected to 5 of them. We live in the most connected yet completely disconnected world. And now Iβm 20, sitting in the middle of a 1/5th life crisis, completely burnt out.
*Burn, Burn, Burn* isn't about setting your life on fire or grinding until you break. Itβs about wanting to burn brightly with something real before your time is up. Itβs about rejecting the rat race, putting down the performance, and admitting that beneath all the accolades and self-imposed expectations, all I actually and everybody wants is simple: good people, real connection, a quiet life, to receive love, give love, and permission to just say, "I'm tired now" and I'm human". No more performing, no more overanalyzing, taking off the armor, bringing my ass home, and just being unapologetically me.
Although I have been in this rut for so many years now, I have faith in myself and God that this too shall pass, and there will be better days ahead. Patience is a virtue I need to get better at, and I felt like I waited long enough, so rightfully, I am tired, but God is just telling me to hold on just a little longer. I need to learn to internalize **John 16:33: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.β** and **James 1:2: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."**
I appreciate you all who made it to the end of this log, this was a long one, but I think the best log I have ever done. Definitely the most raw and genuine one. I need to catch up on some sleep, do a few assignments, watch some football, unwind, and just take care of myself. I owe myself grace and you do too. Be kind to yourselves. As always, stay safe, and Godspeed!
See you next week!
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