Good morning,
Headed into Week 4 already, I can not wrap my head around it. Midterm season is upon me, and I am stressed, but I only have one. This is such a blessing, but I know myself well enough that I get super lazy because I have one, so I really need to start dialing it in on the material, so I do not get test anxiety again. Most likely it will still probably happen, but I am just going to acknowledge that and move forward anyway. Before I get into the log, here's the video of the week:
No video because I just got slumped with work this week. If I am being honest I really do not plan my videos out, whatever is going off on the top of the dome, I just press record. The editing is minimal and pretty abysmal because I have super large video files as I take long pauses in between talking to catch my thoughts. I find it quite funny that I struggle to talk to a camera when I do not really talk to anyone. Could be that Alexithymia I mentioned last week, but I could be dragging it. Maybe I am like this:
"We suffer more in imagination than in reality" - Seneca the Younger
Week 3 was abysmal. Nothing more to say than that. That being abroad smile is gone:
In my opinion, it's pretty much an Ouroboros
Never-ending cycle, you feel sorry for yourself, then you hate yourself for feeling sorry for yourself when other people have it worst, then you back to self-pity, and vice-versa. The only way to beat it, is self-compassion, "treating yourself with the same warmth and care as you would offer a good close friend during difficult times." Emphasis on the "good close friend" part because how would you know if you do not have that 😔. Now there goes the self-pity train, which now crosses into the self-hatred track because if you do not have a "good close friend" it is pretty much an indictment and reflection of yourself. That's just my personal opinion and frustration talking right now. It was a rough week.
If it was not apparent already, I am going through a difficult time and questioning a lot right now. That's just how the 20s are, I'm guessing.
Alright let's get into how Week 3 went:
Sunday Bloody Sunday in hindsight was not that bad. 49ers beat the Seahawks, big 5-0, which I am pretty happy. Bengals 3-2 headed into the bye and Joe Shiesty healthy too. Football is exciting and probably one if not the only things I look forward to each week, even every day. You are one day closer to game day every time you get up. I also had a hockey game too. That one was more exciting and closer than it should have been. 9-8 OT Win against Irvine, 3 Points; 1 Goal and 2 Assists. I was only awarded one point for an assist though, which I am pretty mad about, but the pictures do not show the stats, eh. What I am most angered about is that I broke my stick. I did not even break it on a shot, I broke it on a suicide pass. I was able to move the puck and my liney was able to go and score, but I pray someone does not have the LiveBarn video of that. Even though hits following suicide passes look bad, most of them are surprisingly clean, and this one was clean. I did not expect to get the pass and right when I got up, I saw the defense-man's eyes light up with his mouth salivating to hit 5'4" me. Out of my control, so I just have to let those things happen to me. What was in my control was getting an AC muscle joint sprain, it was Grade 1 so essentially a stinger, but the trainer still taped me up. It was the same trainer that cleared me from concussion, so shout out her. Fortunately I got warranty on the stick, so Bauer is sending a new one out. Hopefully it does not break again, I cannot afford it, but I can afford $1.39 Fish tacos!
Monday was tough. I spent the majority of the day just trying to turn in my assignments on time. My Introduction to Engineering course is fun, but the amount of assignments due every week or every 3 days is absurd. I would be enjoying the course more if the assignments were more evenly spread out. 17 Assignments by Week 3 is incomprehensible, but I managed to do it, so I am proud of myself.
I also had a doctor’s appointment on Monday, and apparently I got a chronic skin condition; Keratosis Pilaris. It’s harmless, the doctor suggested I use cream or lotion if it really bugs me, but unlikely if the spots ever go away. It never bothered me, but Mama Lee just told me to get it checked out since I pay for the school insurance. The school insurance is expensive, but honestly pretty worth it; I got my whole HPV vaccine shot series done for less than the price of one shot if I were to out of pocket pay for it. Everything is transparent too; I am not in the dark of anything related to my health unlike me showing up to my dentist after getting my driver’s license 😂. Since the appointment was pretty much a dud, the doctor just re-screened my whole file (physical and mental), gave me a COVID shot, and told me, “keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll be good.” I probably took that more personal than I should have because yes, it’s just one of those sayings and sound-advice, but I’m just tired of hearing that, and it’s getting harder every day. It's like this always or all the time:
Tuesday and then on was more so the same; the mundane routine of making it to the end of the day. There were a lot of things that were out of my control that pissed me off too. One being the laundry machines in my building going out of order. The price of my dorm and suite is outrageous to not have an in unit washer and dryer along with air conditioning 🤦♂️. 2nd being my Instacart delivery driver coming late and forgetting my chicken. In hindsight, I low-key deserve that because I tipped the lowest at 5%, but then again I am broke. 3rd being two 3D Printers in my lab failing, so a 15-minute print took me over an hour. 4th being the UCLA game getting cancelled that was the real stinger. I pretty much worked myself to the wire grinding away to finish and submit assignments, so I could go into the game comfortably because my friend from Kyoto and Mama Lee were coming.
When I got the call it was cancelled, I was gutted, and my idiot thought was “just my luck, eh.” I immediately went into that self-pity loop. That did/sort of not last for long as my luck would turn around because I had a good time with my friend and Mama Lee, but some of the things we were planning to do were closed. I also got a 76ers King jersey too, which made my week.
For the most part life does not make sense. You can go from having an absolutely abysmal week to having an excellent peak day in a moment. Life’s not linear nor exponential, you make of it what you want or will. I definitely need to learn how to get out of my head and think more positively because what I have been doing lately has not been serving me well at all. It’s easier said than done though, and even as I was riding the bus back to San Diego from LA, I was feeling miserable, fearing the coming weeks of this quarter, and not truly appreciating the good. How lucky am I to have a friend fly out from Japan to visit me? How lucky am I to have a mother who would more than happily drive down to LA to watch me not even play a game? Also, how lucky am I to have Zach Bryan drop an EP when I’m having a tough week 😂?
I am pretty lucky, and I need to start counting my blessings more, especially during these rough times, where I feel the loneliest and most isolated in San Diego. This too shall pass, and I know I will be better because of it. I reached back out to my shrink because I can’t make it on my own and if I’m getting aired out by everyone I reach out to in UCSD maybe there’s some other problems with myself I don’t know. I can somewhat confidently say that I am feeling good or better about going into midterm week. Uncertain how long this high will last, but I just got to ride it. As always stay safe and Godspeed!
See you next week!