Good morning!
I am working my hardest to get these out before Monday and 10 AM (PST) for NFL Sundays. Also, working on getting out the videos too:
It's tough to record, no clue why I have camera anxiety or just anxiety in general, but it is what it is. Some heavy stuff towards the end and I did hold back in the end because it's easier for me to write things out than saying it. There's a disconnect of what I want to say and what comes out, and I am trying to work on that. I need to turn my emotional suppression to emotional intelligence.
Any ways, here's the log:
Week 1 was not as special as it was last year. Not saying it was not fun, but I am not a new student anymore, and I lost a lot of the joy in the 20 weeks I did spend here last year. Campus has definitely changed though. A lot of new buildings that got complete, but overall it still mostly remained the same. It feels weird walking back on campus after being abroad and away for so long. I still clearly remember how stressed, anxious, and alone I felt in those long walks from class to class, and final to final. It's like I am a ghost or walking with the ghosts of my failures, insecurities, and inadequacies of my first year. Not only did I do horribly in my coursework, I did horribly in making or cultivating strong friendships. Granted, I did go abroad, and missed a lot of time, I did not do much with friends in the time I was here because "I was too busy" (realistically just caught up with myself). Naturally they moved on without me, have inside jokes, and I just feel left out now. It's not all grey though because I got an opportunity to "meet and connect" with more people. I went boogie boarding on Friday at La Jolla Shores during sunset, and every student association was throwing their bonfires. I went over to a couple of them asking for some free food, I got a few slices of pizza, but the point I am trying to make is that I am sick and tired of these Instagram handle surface level interactions. In general those spaces are hard for me to interact in because I am shy, but the lack of authenticity between people just rubs me the wrong way. Regardless of social media or not, realistically you probably would not see those people again due to how big campus actually is and a lot of the life that happens during the quarter, so what value does getting an Instagram have? You just want to get your followers up or watch other people live their lives para-socially? I do not get that, and I am tired of it. It just degrades conversations to a transaction, and there is no meaningful connection in that. Maybe I am just projecting because I am a loser too.
Alright enough with the self-pity and the victim card talk because I am not alone, I just feel lonely. Most of this is on my own doing because as shy as I am, I am equally judgmental. I will let Theo Von do the talking for the point I am trying to make (*clip starts at 43:56, please watch until 45:53*):
Most times I really hate myself and I keep murmuring, "I don't know" or "I'm tired" with no explanation to what I am referring to because I am afraid of saying, "I don't know myself" or "I am tired of not showing up and taking care of myself." I still get up and try, which is a great sign that I am not too far gone, but having those passive thoughts are still pretty bad. I am going to reach back out to my shrink (CAPS), but I just have to figure out my schedule first, and when I can work it in because **I can't make it on my own!**
Transitioning now, here are some highlights of the week. There's a lot in the video that I did not record or was just too scared to record, so might as well reward the people who actually read these logs.
Sunday, I went to Birch Aquarium with the team. Pretty lame and disappointing aquarium and would not go if it was not free or if the team was not there.
Monday just basically syllabus lecture and pretty mundane from there, but for my courses all I can say is:
One of my classes (ECE 109) is a 100% final and this was the stats for Winter Quarter:
Apparently my prof gives a generous curve, so I just have to pray. There is nothing else I can do besides build confidence with the material in this course. This is a must pass course for me because this is the ultimate prerequisite to enter my engineering depth: Signal & Image Processing. If I do not pass I delay my graduation even further, and I think I could be a risk at getting kicked out. Already anxiety is at an all-time high, eh! 🤣
That and my other course, ECE 45, are the only ones I am really worried about. The other two classes I am taking, COGS 108 and ECE 5, have been very fun so fun. Granted ECE 5 is an introduction course, so of course, it should be fun and free, but there are some heavy labs that could occupy me more than I want too later in the quarter. COGS 108 is a pure data-science Python group-based project course, which is very interesting. Hopefully, I get into a group where everyone pulls their own weight, so it's not a last minute scramble, and my cortisol does not get spiked during Finals.
The next few days or rather the last few days of September, I was walking over 30,000 steps, so I could get my monthly average over 10,000. You really do not walk much in the States. If it was not for the close trails nearby, I probably would not have made my goal.
One thing about not being a new student that's good is that I am not stressing over getting into clubs, and particularly the engineering ones. Triton Solar Car brought me back, which is super-surprising, although my Electrical team director was still kind of holding it out for me at the meeting yesterday. I do not blame him because I am a fraudulent engineer with virtually no experience, but I do have a NASA certificate though. A lot of progress was made on the car while I was away, so why did they bring me back? Shout-out my lead, Elizabeth though, she pulled for me!
The biggest surprise is that Triton Neurotech put me as a lead for an sEMG Soft Exosuit. It's a low-cost, tendon-driven glove that assists finger and wrist motion, triggered by forearm sEMG. Arduino, micro-servos, consumer sEMG sensors. In layman's terms, It's a soft glove that reads the small electrical signals in your forearm muscles when you try to move your hand, and then pulls on cables to help your fingers and wrist actually make that move. So someone with a weak hand, say after a stroke, thinks "open my hand" and the glove helps finish it. Essentially this is like a rehab assist tool. This project is pretty close to me because when my grandma on my mom's side suffered a stroke in 2019, we were trying to get her to engage her finger and wrist muscles. I actually have a photo of it, so here's vintage tlee:
I cannot fathom I actually got the lead position because I literally applied with a transcript showing a 2.32 UC GPA. Most likely not a lot of people applied, and that's how I got the role. I thought I would be more happy than I was getting it, and I am happy, but am I really qualified? Do I deserve it? Only one way to find out though and that's by getting to work.
I am very interested in neuroscience and just human nature in general, which probably should have been my primary major. I think it is so interesting and fascinating to me because I can't even get out of my mind. Engineering is just over-saturated with people who do not even love to build and are just in it for money, not saying I am that much different, but at least I know the oath. Do I recite it like the *Green Lantern* oath, no, but I adhere and take pride in those words:
*"I am an Engineer. In my profession I take deep pride. To it I owe solemn obligations. As an Engineer, I pledge to practice integrity and fair dealing, tolerance and respect; and to uphold devotion to the standards and the dignity of my profession, conscious always that my skill carries with it the obligation to serve humanity by making the best use of the Earth’s precious wealth. As an Engineer, I shall participate in none but honest enterprises. When needed, my skill and knowledge shall be given without reservation for the public good. In the performance of duty and with deep fidelity to my profession, I shall give my utmost.”*
That's why I chose engineering because it's just doing right by the people who do right by you, and pour into others. As much of failure I seem, I am not going to give up, nor am I going to switch my major. I do not even think I am allowed too, but I want to double-major or at least minor in the Cognitive Science space. Human-Computer Interaction particularly interests me the most because we interact with screens more than actual people, and it has advanced the lives of so many people, but also regressed their lives too. I want to delve into fields similar to what my Kyoto University professor was researching into like schizophrenia with eye-gaze, using AI/Machine Learning to diagnose CTE, and even more abstract how can we use AI to help treat mental illnesses. I know the last one sounds like I am trying to turn humans into robots, but my actual goal is opposite. How can we use technology such as AI to better understand, support, and heal the human mind. Even though I wish there was a happiness switch that's impossible, and depression and suffering are vital parts of the human experience. But because every person’s mind processes suffering differently, it can easily be isolating and lonely. I do not want to replace genuine human connection or dumb down the human experience; it’s to build a bridge that gives people accessible support, and a lifeline when they need it most.
I am still taken aback that I moved out of Kyoto a little more than a month ago, and we are already in Week 2 of the quarter. Could have sworn I was just in Busan staring at the same, Pacific Ocean, having the time of my life, but even then my struggles were still present in the back of my mind. No clue as to why I have so much anxiety when I am about to enter my "prime of my life" in my 20s next week. I can not lie and say I am not excited about my birthday because I am. Entering a new decade and chapter is always exhilarating, but equally terrifying, and the reasons for both is: I do not know what's coming.
In many ways I do not or even feel my age. Not in a sense I think I am so much older, but I do not feel I am turning 20, let alone feel like I was a teenager. I mean I have a body of 12-year-old, eh 🤣. Still pretty mad about that, but that's something I cannot control as much as I want to, and I need to learn to let go. That takes time, and it's a process, but I am willing to fall in love with that process:
Football is starting soon, and I need to track my fantasy projections because I can not be 1-3. Apologies if the log is lack luster this week, but hopefully my video makes up for it. Before I leave, I just want to send a reminder to check up on your friends because this is Mental Illness Awareness Week, and everybody can use a little love. We do not know who is struggling, and some do not have the courage to speak or talk about it. I am grateful that I am much more honest with myself and ok with putting my setbacks and flaws out there in these logs even if most do not read them. One of these days, I will look back and laugh at how I was during these times, and be grateful I kept pushing. Everything makes sense in reverse, and we will all be alright. As always stay safe, healthy, and Godspeed!
See you next week!